I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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