Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just pee around me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
