i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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