She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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