Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
