I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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