I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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