I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
