i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you inspire me to be a worse person
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
