sarcasm needs its own font
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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