Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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