So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
