rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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