my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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