my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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