dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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