How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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