I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
