Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
