My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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