So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
