I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
