Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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