Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
