I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
