My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
