Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
