I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
