Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
