the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
