Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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