dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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