last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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