Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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