This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
