So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
