Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
