oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
