I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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