she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
