Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You are a genius and a whore.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
