the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
