Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
