nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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