I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
