He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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