I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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