My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
