You made me cry and you don't even care
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
