Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
