Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
