No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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